Cobertos

Breakups, Motivation, & Friends

I originally wanted this blog to be just a portfolio but I don't think I'm going to be able to keep it that way. I think trying to separate my personal projects and actual life isn't really what I want though I probably wouldn't go as far as Garry's Blofg and provide unsolicited sex tips. My emotions just work too much into my everyday life where my projects live that I should stop trying to separate them so much and just use tags like everyone else...

I broke up with a serious girlfriend a month ago and since then my whole life has pretty much come into question. I've been asking myself so many things over the past month, and while it's still not over, I have some observations and conclusions.

  • I have 0 motivation to work on the game that I just tried to start with 3 friends. I put in tons of effort to get everyone up to speed and bam, gone. There was some internal tension between me and the relationship which leads to...
  • I have no desire to live my dream (if it even is?) at the expense of my social life. Maybe I'll quit my job and focus on a game at some point in the future but I don't think I'll ever game dev or programming over a relationship ever again. It's just not as real as acceptance and love.
  • I have used my performance in life as a metric for my self worth too much for the past forever. That and I don't give myself enough credit for my work. It's a cycle of justifying away good things that happen while continually striving to be my absolute best which is unmaintainable and stresses me out over the littlest things, like getting gifts for people.
  • I project onto others expectations of me. I feel like people will linearly love me based on my performance and if I had only put in 30%, when perhaps it was only sensible and sane to put in 30% and they only really wanted 5%, they will only love me 30% instead of the 90% they normally do and I have a hard time recognizing that...
  • Friends won't only love me based on performance or expectations. There's just something a little more human there. The fact that we all exist is almost enough sometimes and the fun that we share.

Friends are nice, breakups are not, and motivation comes and goes. Happy Spring.

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